Tuesday, September 10, 2013

When I say I was in an abusive faith system, it's not that I think the people in charge were thinking that they wanted to abuse anyone.

But I was in a pretty authoritarian church. Especially in that even though there were many elders, it was pretty clear that there was one guy in charge and everyone seemed to kind of fear him. If you asked any of the elders a question, basically the answer you would get is "Let me check with _____ and I'll get back to you." It's kind of accepted with a little humor that this is the way it is. But should the church be this way? The word "pastor" is never used in the Bible as a position to be held in the church. When Paul writes to the people in charge, he writes to "elders" and it's clear that the churches had a plurality of elders. And the word for "elder" is actually the same word as used for a person who is simply older. The older brother in the prodigal son story is also described with the same word. It doesn't insinuate a political position. Just that there are older people who are respected. I think that's interesting.

Rich Mullins talked about going to other countries and how the scriptures one area may emphasize are not always the same as what another area might emphasize. He talked about that in the context of going to China but I think it's very true, even from church to church. It is interesting to me that the scriptures that were emphasized at the church I left tended to be about judgement and authority. But verses like Mark 10:42-45 were never even thought of. I knew it was there, but I never thought about it.

I find that many of the problems in my life have not stemmed from the areas that I so worry over as the imperfections in my character. Many of the problems stem from things I thought I was doing to please God but I was actually following the teachings of men. It doesn't always show right at the moment but years down the line I realize how God really just wanted me to obey and listen to Him and not everyone else.

And this is the thing. It's not about hating people or trying to justify oneself or getting people angry. But it's about what people take away from other people when they exercise authority over them and tell them to listen to you.  You deprive them of the chance to listen and talk to God for themselves. What kind of marriage would people have if they always talked to their spouse through a third person? I think God made each of us because He wants a relationship with us Himself.

Thursday, September 5, 2013

A Different Look

I decided to move my art blog over here:


I decided to put this blog to a different purpose. I decided to make it a more personal blog, about a spiritual journey, a life journey really. My journey of trying to know God and actually making a lot of wrong turns along the way. I just wonder if there is anyone else out there who thinks like I do!

It's not my intention to be hurtful or critical, but I find after leaving what I think of as a borderline spiritually abusive church and feeling like suddenly my eyes have opened to things I feel like I was a complete idiot not to see, yet I didn't see, and now I'm just kind of wondering what DO I know for sure. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe the Bible is His Word to us. Other than that, I'm trying to piece it all together. But in a way, maybe this faith is more true. I don't have to have it all figured out for Him to love me. I don't have to be perfect. I can rest in His patient, patient care. And so can you.

This is my journey out of an abusive faith system and reaching toward God. Really God this time. I pray.

I'm not going to promote this blog or anything. It may be years of me here all by my lonely. But if anyone does come by and thinks "Wow, I think this way too!" Or just wants to talk, I hope you will comment, because a journey is a little more friendly with some gentle company.

Friday, August 23, 2013

The Wind is Never Still

It rained last night and that makes me so happy! My walk up to the post office will be so much more enjoyable. I love the freshness of rain. 

Thursday, August 22, 2013


It's funny, how many times painting reminds me of dancing. When I was younger I loved dancing. The hippy kind of dancing that is, like at Grateful Dead shows and drumming circles. I loved, especially, to dance outside. Under the stars, or the sun, in the mist or in the rain. It seemed by dancing we were somehow linked to all the beauty that surrounded us and it gave some sort of a sense of freedom, exhilaration, joy. I would wear my brightest, twirliest tie-dye and jump into the sea of moving colors.

But then I grew up, got religion, settled down, had twenty years of pregnancy and nursing... I haven't danced like that in a long, long time. My feet hurt, my legs ache, besides, I jiggle way too much. So painting is still as close as I come to dancing. The blur of colors, movement, and again, joy. So, now instead of dancing like I mean it, I paint like I mean it.

And I still enjoy music, a lot. So here's a dance song for you. :)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Creative Thinking and Painting

I love how this came together because it reaffirmed something I had been thinking about without actually planning to do it. But non planning of it reinforces the idea! That is I was listening to the TedTalk by 
Elizabeth Gilbert about the artistic process and the way it seems to come. Which for me tends to be inconvenient moments, like when I'm walking outside, and not when you want it, like when I'm looking at a canvas. It's a funny capricious thing, and hard to understand and even harder to control. 
The talk was very encouraging to me. When I was painting this the figure of the person came forward quite strongly and all the swirling came together very naturally afterward, so I'm really liking this one. Not just liking the colors and the process, but feeling like I see a message to myself in it as well. Which is always cool. 

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Emily Carr, Thinking, Dandelions

I finally got my hands on a book by Emily Carr called Klee Wyck. It isn't that it's that hard to find, but funds, a trip to Powell's and Powell's having it finally all coincided at the same time for me. Ah, the patience was worth it! What a little gem. It makes me ache. It gives a glimmer to me of the Pacific Northwest before it was all "civilized". I wish I could have seen it, with the deep dark forests and the mammoth trees. I wish I could have known Emily Carr. She is by far the female artist I relate to the most. She was just loving the good, strong place God put her and that love is there in her trees and her totems. 

The weather has been so warm this week. I don't like it being this warm so early in spring. I like winter in Oregon, misty and cool and fresh. I go for a walk most every day and I like it when the air is clean and cool and crisp. I like to walk in the quiet and think and pray. There is a road I always walk down, but lately every time I walk down it it smells like some sort of lawn treatment chemical. Ugh, really people? Have we not gotten past needing to through poison all over the place? Dandelions are not so bad.  I rather like them.

I really wish they'd quit doing that.